i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
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