Your mouth is God's brothel.
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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