tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
Randomize
