She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
That accounts for only three of the penises
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
Randomize
