I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Randomize
