guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
Randomize
