Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
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