I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
Where you at
assisting at a photo shoot in williamsburg till 7ish. wassup?
Doesn't matter. I already jerked off in your bed.
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
Randomize
