Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
Randomize
