I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
Randomize
