Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
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