we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
