Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Randomize
