He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
Randomize
