She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
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