If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
Also, just saw a kid in a gorilla costume being questioned by a boardwalk cop. I love ocean city.
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
