I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
