He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Randomize
