whoever gets the blood i just donated is getting a shit ton of free thc
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
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