Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Randomize
