i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
Who wears a wallet chain?!
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
