Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
I wish you could order shots online.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
Randomize
