I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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