If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
I wonder if i passed any courses from last semester
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
