I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
