Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
hey can you send me that pic of that dude?...if this isn't Rochelle's phone...can you please find and tell Rochelle to send me that picture of that dude?
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
Randomize
