the condom got lost in my hair
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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