I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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