Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
Ugh, I should just give up, and fuck him in a parking lot, and shave my head and walk naked through the streets of King's Landing.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
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