hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
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