i wish there were pregnant emoticons
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
