i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Randomize
