Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
Boobs are out for the taking
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
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