Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
