it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
Randomize
