I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
Good for you, kid with a beer in hand as you walk to your 11 am class.
I thought this was a dry campus.
That means you have to bring your own beer from home.
Randomize
