Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
I found out that they tried to reenact the Snooki drop by using a jump rope and the banister. Pictures say it all.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Randomize
