I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
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