we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
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