I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
Randomize
