I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
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