Kay wants to put chicklets in our cooters to make beavers and take pix captioned Got Wood? Taking public transit does scary things to her.
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
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I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
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