The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
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