I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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