she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
My dad just informed me that I may be entitled to $1700 worth of stimulus money... looks like that hitachi is coming sooner than later. Let's hope for the best!
Randomize
