dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
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Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
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It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
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