you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
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