Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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