be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
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He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
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Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
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