I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
In these economic times, linking arms taking tequilla shots with your boss as an underage girl is the best job security I can think of
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
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