Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
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