Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Randomize
