do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
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