He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
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She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
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Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
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