hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
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