so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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