i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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